Sick Leave
by aphelion-orion
Summary: Cloud, Zack, Sephiroth, and a dress. Need I say anything else? [rated PG13 for crossdressing and innuendo]


**Pairing:** SxZxC (what else?)  
**Warnings:** crossdressing and rampant sexual innuendo (read: Nothing FF7 didn't offer.)  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. Suing me will only get you the spiders residing in my empty purse.  
**Notes:** Dedicated to jen0va99. ;D

-

**Sick Leave**

"No."

"Please?"

"_No_."

"Pretty please?"

"I said no!"

"Pretty please with a cherry and Sephiroth on top?"

"ZACK!"

His ears still ringing from Cloud's indignant shriek, Zack nonetheless had to stifle a grin. Grins would only serve to make Cloud suspicious, so he tried to affect the infamous kicked-puppy-look of doom. "Awww, come on, Spike. Why not?"

"Why do you think! Because it's completely embarrassing, that's why!"

"But..."

"Forget it. I'm not going to do it." The blond boy crossed his arms over his chest and tried his best to glare at Zack down his nose, which wasn't easy, considering that Zack was at least half a foot taller than him.

"But you did it for me!" Zack continued with a pleading whine in his voice.

"You- that was different, and to top it off, you passed your cold on to me," Cloud muttered and inwardly cursed his reddening cheeks. It was really hard to keep up a convincing argument when you were blushing and trying to sink through the floor.

"But I got better almost immediately, didn't I?"

Cloud gave him a look that wouldn't melt butter. "That's because you received your flu shot the next morning, Zack."

"T'che. Minor details." The dark-haired soldier waved his hand dismissively. "My point is that now it's Sephiroth who's on sick leave because he's got a cold, and as his loyal subordinates, it's our duty to make sure he gets back on his feet as quickly as possible."

"Normal people send cards, or bring flowers and chocolates," Cloud pointed out, still nowhere near being convinced. "Visitors' clothing doesn't have any effect on a patient."

This time, Zack couldn't help the lecherous grin that spread across his face. "Oh yes, yes it does. You see, the vibes it gives off are -"

"Argh. I meant his _health_, Zack."

Zack blinked innocently. "Of course his health. What did you think I was talking about?"

Instead of an answer, Cloud settled for giving him _the look_, something he had learned from Sephiroth himself. It was a special look just for Zack, which the General had perfected years ago and which could be roughly translated to 'you're not fooling anybody', along with heavy undertones that clearly stated what he thought of Zack's sanity, or lack thereof.

"That still doesn't explain why I have to be the only one wearing it!"

"You're the only one who's got the legs for it. Or can you see me wearing high heels and a miniskirt?"

"No," Cloud declared with a disturbed frown, undoubtedly trying to banish the mental image. "But that still doesn't mean I'll wear it!"

Zack took in his friend's defiant stance - arms crossed, legs apart and a scowl that would have looked vaguely threatening on anyone else, but in Cloud's case only ended up being adorable. Still, it looked like Cloud would stand his ground in this argument. The kid could be as stubborn as Sephiroth when it came to going along with Zack's plans, and seemed well on the way to developing the very same immunity to his pleading looks. However, there was one weakness left that Zack intended to exploit mercilessly. It was time to target Cloud's inherent soft-heartedness. "Come on, Spike. You want to help Sephiroth, right? Only you have the chance, no, the _power_, to do so! His well-being depends on you, and only on you. You can't tell me that you're going to let him suffer just because you're shy. Don't you want him to get better?"

Cloud's expression immediately softened, and he started wringing his hands. "Of course I do," he mumbled, cheeks reddening again. Then he sighed. "Alright. I'm going to do it." He was already halfway out the door when he turned around again, catching Zack in the middle of what looked like a silent Chocobo dance.

Zack paused in mid-step when he felt Cloud's disapproving glare. Belatedly, it occurred to him that he might have ruined Cloud's guilt trip with his victory dance. "Erm..."

The blond shook his head. "In case I die from whatever virus that managed to fell the legendary Sephiroth, lie to my mother and tell her I didn't suffer."

----------

Sephiroth was enjoying a rare moment of peace and quiet in his own apartment, leaning back against the couch, and right when he was contemplating catching up on some much-needed sleep, there was a knock on his door. Actually, it sounded more like a disoriented adamantoise ramming its head against the wood, which could only mean that Zack was here to see him.

"Come in!" he called, while rubbing two fingers along the bridge of his nose and trying to mentally steel himself against whatever mayhem Zack would inadvertently try to drag him into.

Needless to say, he was immediately on guard when Zack strode in _without_ being armed with several unauthorized-looking devices. His suspicion changed to confusion when Zack turned right back around without so much as a 'hello', went back to the door and grabbed something, which he then proceeded to drag inside and shove in front of him.

Sephiroth wasn't surprised very often, and if he was, he didn't show his surprise openly, but in this case, he made an exception. Zack didn't make a habit of dressing up his subordinates in nurse uniforms, after all.

"Private Strife?"

At the sound of his name, Cloud stopped trying to pull down the terribly, extremely, embarrassingly short white skirt of his uniform over his - ohgodhewasgoingtodie - stockings, and hastily snapped to attention. His shaky salute knocked the small lace headdress askew, but mercifully, Sephiroth dismissed the formalities with a gesture and allowed him to fix it - because there was no way in hell was he going to survive bending over and picking it up if it fell to the floor.

Sephiroth's questioning gaze flickered from him to Zack, back to him and down the front of his uniform. Cloud was sure his face would burst into flames any minute now. "Ummm... you see, sir, Lieutenant Zack thought we should come for a visit, and he said me wearing this - this thing was supposed to help you - I'm not sure how - but..." He trailed off and went back to fiddling with the hem of his skirt, not knowing what else to say. How _could_ he explain to the General why he showed up in his private home dressed like a female nurse?

The silver-haired man blinked. "Help me?" he reiterated.

Cloud cast a desperate glance back at Zack, who merely grinned and urged him on. "Umm... yes, sir. He said it was going to help you since you were sick, sir."

"Sick?" Sephiroth knew he was beginning to sound like a parrot, and on top of that, his gaze kept straying back to the small strip of bare skin that became visible whenever the small blond let go of his skirt, so he added, "Do I look sick to you, Private?"

Cloud flinched and looked at Sephiroth from beneath his spikes. The General didn't look ill, but then again, he never looked tired or bored, either, even though he had to be, at least sometimes. "No, sir... But Lieutenant Zack said you had a cold, and…"

"I can assure you that I am immune to most diseases, including, but not limited to, the common cold. It would appear that you are a victim of grave misinformation, Private."

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence, before the blond whirled around, grabbed a handful of Zack's shirt and started shouting at him. "ZACK! You told me that- you said- you made me- the General isn't- you, you... You _tricked_ me, you bastard!"

His tirade did nothing to wipe the smug grin off Zack's face, especially since he looked even less threatening than usual, wearing lace and a skirt that would barely cover his ass. "Aww, Spike. Let's not be so picky about the details. The important thing is that he likes it, no?"

"I'm going to maim you. Kill you. Never sleep with you ever again," Cloud hissed through clenched teeth, turning around and starting for the door.

Sephiroth's voice made him stop dead in his tracks. "Where are you going… _Cloud_?" The last word was a slow and deliberate add-on that guaranteed that he wouldn't move another muscle.

"To take off the dress, sir," he replied quietly, his back still turned. Thus, he was quite startled when a leather-clad arm wrapped around his midsection.

"Now, now," Sephiroth murmured, sounding like the cat that caught the proverbial canary. "There's no need for you to go all the way down to the barracks. You can take it off... right _here_."

Luckily, the arm around his waist kept Cloud from falling flat on his ass.

-

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A/N: Whee! Crossdressing!Cloud is so fun to write. That said... love it? Hate it? Do tell me, because I want to know.


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